The Real Break-Up Truth
Geplaatst op 03-04-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
Today I am going to share the final post about my break-up with the Farmer’s Daughter (with her blessing), and then I will be striving to move on both in my life and here on the blog, starting with a post next week featuring many of the things I’ve learned about love and relationships being perpetually single. Working on that right now.
It’s been a crazy couple weeks around here at best. I wrote the break-up blog post within hours of ending it with her, and she had moved her stuff out before I could even write that. The truth is, both of us were in crazy survival mode and we were both jumping the gun all over the place.
And now that it’s all in the rear view mirror, and now that it isn’t hours old, and now that things are starting to piece back together for both of us, I hope I can be more real about it from a place more in my head and less in my panicking heart.
First I want to talk about blogging and dating. My blog is big enough that it actually does affect things. It affects things in my dating life, and in my relationships, and in my break-ups. Sometimes it affects things majorly. I am sure I don’t have to jump into all the dynamics that are challenging. Use your imagination.
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What I have really realized over time is just how unfair it is in the end to the women I have dated. Sure it’s fun and exciting while things are ramping up with a girl, and every time I share fun stuff with all of you she always loves it and I always love that she loves it. But when it’s over, it’s just me again, and she never gets a say. She never gets heard. Her side, her perspective, her hurt, her pain, her anger, her memories, her need. She doesn’t get to share any of that. But I share mine, and that’s hard and unfair. I am simply acknowledging that. I don’t have an answer for it.
It is what it is. It’s the game we play. Every girl knows that going into it. Every girl knows that there are no guarantees. They know that it might end and it might even end badly. They know because they’ve been dating and single for a long time too, and that’s how dating goes. Still, no matter how much I talk about it with them at the beginning, it never prepares them for the reality of it at the end. And it’s unfair. And I simply recognize that.
And with that acknowledgement comes propagated and more extreme thoughts for me after the break-up. The questions: will I always be alone, should I always be alone, and is this always going to happen… plague me, but far more than they ever did before I was a blogger. Where things are unfair for them, they are perhaps unfair for me in very different ways.
I don’t remove old blog posts. What I write and share stays up there forever. The good, the bad, the ugly. And with every person I date, and every break-up I have, and every fun date, and every story about me and someone in the dating world, and every thought, idea, projection, introspection, rant, joke, and everything else, it is all there alongside the very descriptive history of it all. I have yet to date any girl who didn’t get sucked into it and who didn’t read so much of it, and with whom there weren’t at least some struggles and hurdles to get over because of that.
I mean, it’s my life. It’s my heart. It’s out there. And that’s hard for them. We all know how hard it is comparing ourselves to new people’s past loves. Imagine so much content being out there at your fingertips about someone you just met and took a liking to. Would you survive? Would you take it in stride? You never know until you face it. But, it is what it is. I have unintentionally built that reality for myself. Every time someone new comes into my life, they are climbing atop an even taller stack of history.
And I guess that’s what dating is. One giant teeter between hope and unfairness. A swinging pendulum between excitement and difficulty.
Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe I’ve painted myself into a corner that will make me be alone forever. Maybe I want to be alone. Maybe I’m not as awesome as I hope I am. Maybe I’m not the man I hope I am. Maybe I’m not that great at all.
Oh, the post break-up thoughts. They’re brutal and they hit you like a never-ending barrage of leaping barracudas, flying at you with teeth snapping from all sides of the boat.
But I’m past the worst of them. The Farmer’s Daughter, and her amazingness has helped with that.
She’s been willing to talk about it all like adults. She’s been willing to sit down and talk more than once about dreaded things like truths, and feelings, and reality, and dating, and regret, and whether it could work out at all.
And you know what, we both realized during our last talk that it really wouldn’t have worked. Not life-long. The reasons are ours, they’re not important. Just know that they are real, and that we learned a valuable lesson:
Sometimes you can’t see reality for what it is until you take yourself out of the very situation that you’re trying so hard to protect.
We didn’t have a bad relationship. We didn’t have a troubled relationship. We had occasional struggles like any couple, and we were very much in love. We still love each other.
But there were fundamental differences in the plans we had in our own lives and the goals we both had for ourselves that would have brought it to an end or to a miserable co-existence later on. You can use your imagination. She’s 23. I’m 33. She’s young, wants children, marriage, and to experience all of it. I’m 33. Divorced twice. I have a kid. I’m bisexual.
And I can’t say I think it’s what happened (because I don’t know), but I can say that I wonder something. I wonder if when this Chappy thing happened, and I knew how badly Noah needed his Dad’s everything right now, if I (and maybe both of us) didn’t take that as our opportunity to end it while it could be ended with respect and love for each other still intact.
I honestly don’t know.
What I do know is that when you’re in “just broke up” mode, you latch onto the reasons that will help you somehow be the most noble, most right, and most respected version of a post break-up person you can be. You latch onto whatever is there to make you feel like it was right and justified. And that’s what I did in my first posts about it to all of you.
Was everything I said about needing to be a Dad to Noah true? Yes. I didn’t lie. He needs me, and all of me, more than ever.
But it might have also been something that I latched onto so that I didn’t have to face the real truth; the reality that said deep down I knew we couldn’t make it work forever.
I honestly don’t know.
What I can tell you about the Farmer’s Daughter is that she’s incredible. She’s mature beyond her years. She’s loyal. She’s a good friend. She’s got an incredible heart. She’s beautiful. And I can’t say a bad thing about her.
She came over Friday and on her own dime, took Noah on a mini-date to the local fun center simply because she loves him. No ulterior motives. And I can tell you right now, it made Noah’s week. It helped him on a day he really needed it. She’s also staying on, working for me part-time from her house, doing blog stuff that she was doing before, helping me keep a few of the background things going. She’s also been kind and understanding as we’ve worked through it all.
I can’t tell you how good a person she is because there aren’t words for it.
And I believe I’m a good person, too. I believe that she’s worthy of love and that I’m worthy of love, and that just because we didn’t work out doesn’t necessarily mean we did anything terribly wrong. It simply meant that time did its thing, and revealed the truth about our lives and our love to us both. Maybe a little quicker than it normally would have because of everything extrinsic going on, but it did its thing.
Do I have a little egg on my face? Absolutely. Does she? Sure. And that’s okay. Time is good for that, too.
So thank you to all of you who stuck around even while I whipsawed back and forth between reality and insanity around here. Sure, I’ll have sad moments to come. She’ll have sad moments to come. But there will be so many great ones that time will make ours as well. Ob la di. Ob la da.
And thank you to Sarah, the Farmer’s Daughter, who was so awesome throughout it all. She let me share so much of us and our lives with all of you, even now. I hope you’ll join me in thanking her because it hasn’t always been easy or fun, but she’s done it in stride.
I’m gonna miss showing her off. She was definitely show-offable and for so much more than what was on the outside.